Why You Don’t Feel Chemistry With Emotionally Available People

“Why Do Healthy Relationships Feel Boring?”

If you’ve ever found yourself Googling this at 1 a.m. while lying next to a man who treats you well, you’re not alone.

You’ve been through it in the past:

• Ghosted

• Love bombed

• Breadcrumbed

• Gaslit

• Dated someone who said  “I’ve never felt this way before” after 48 hours… then they vanished 2-weeks later.

You’ve journaled until your pen ran dry.

You’ve talked about your patterns in therapy.

You’ve watched all the Tik Tok “experts”

You’ve listened to all 9,000 episodes of that one podcast with “relationship” in the title.

So why, when someone finally shows up, is kind, consistent, emotionally available, and actually wants something real, do you suddenly feel…meh?

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking:
“He’s nice... I just don’t know why I’m not that into him”

This might sound familiar:

• You know your attachment style (hi anxious/avoidant combo pack)

• Your “type” is unavailable, hot-and-cold, and deeply confusing

• You find calm suspicious

• You’re attracted to the ones who make you chase

• And the ones who like you? You feel nothing. Or worse, the ick.

Let’s talk about why healthy, secure relationships can feel like you’re bored and settling… even when you want one.

Why Safe Love Can Feel Boring

If your nervous system grew up equating love with unpredictability, performance, or emotional volatility, calm won’t feel romantic, it’ll feel like something’s missing.

Maybe your early relationships looked like:

• Parents who were emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature because they were busy, working, or overwhelmed by their own emotions.

• Chaos in the home-yelling, tension, walking on eggshells

• Earning praise only when you got straight A’s, crushed it in sports, or were “easy” to be around

Your nervous system took notes.

Love = performance.

Love = inconsistency.

Love = anxiety.

Love = being special enough to get someone to stay.

So now, when someone just… shows up?

• Texts you back on time?

• Doesn’t make you guess what they’re feeling?

• Genuinely wants to get to know you?

Your body goes:

“Wait… where’s the drama? The chase? The passion???”

You get weird “icks,” get extra picky, or don’t trust what you’re seeing.

And suddenly you’re wondering:

Am I settling? Am I just picking up on something  negative about them I can’t see yet??  Or is this just… healthy?

What Usually Gets Your Attention?

If you’re used to chaos, your body is probably drawn to one of two types:

The Avoidant

 – They pull away just enough to keep you chasing

 – You never really know where you stand

 – You overthink every text, every pause, every interaction

 – The high comes from finally getting a crumb of attention

 – You feel most alive when you’re trying to earn their love

The Love Bomber

 – They come in fast, intense, and all-consuming

 – You’re “the one” after two dates

 – You get long voice notes, playlists, poems, dramatic declarations

 – It feels like a movie, like fate, like a dream

 – And then, just as quickly, it all starts to fade

My Relationship Started in Chaos Too

Let me just say, girl, I get it.

My current relationship started with some of my typical chaos patterning. :ong distance, fear of commitment on both sides, and yep, a little love triangle

It was hot.

It was dramatic.

And it was absolutely not sustainable:

We had to unlearn what love was supposed to feel like.

Now some of the most romantic moments are the “smallest”:

• A quick check-in that makes me feel seen

• Trusting each other to have our own passions and dreams without losing the relationship

• Knowing love doesn’t have to be tested to be real

That spark? It didn’t go away.

It just softened.

It stopped feeling like anxiety and bathtub sob sessions.

The Takeaway

If you’ve ever asked:

• “Why do healthy relationships feel boring?”

• “Why am I not attracted to those who likes me?”

• “Why do I only feel chemistry with people who aren’t good for me?”

It’s not because you’re broken.

It’s because your nervous system still equates chaos with connection.

But that can change.

Therapy and Group Therapy for Women with ROCD and Relationship Doubt in Montana, Hawaii, and Pennsylvania

In my 1:1 somatic therapy sessions and group therapy program, “To Stay Or Go”, I work with women who feel stuck in this exact loop:

We don’t just talk about it, we work with your nervous system to actually shift what love feels like in your body.

Together, let’s:

• Rewire your attachment patterns from the body up

• Feel the difference between peace or settling

• Let go of the need to earn love

• Learn how to feel safe and excited with calm, grounded, secure relationships

• Attract partners who are actually available and want commitment

You Don’t Have to Choose Between Safety and Passion

But you do have to slow down enough to notice if your body is sabotaging the very thing you say you want…

✨ I offer somatic therapy for women in Hawaii, Pennsylvania, and Montana

✨ I’m currently accepting new clients! Schedule a free 15-minute Intro Call to learn more

Disclaimer

This blog is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for therapy, counseling, or medical advice. Reading this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship.

If you are in crisis or need immediate support, please call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).